creative writing: detailed sentences.

We are learning: to add more detail in our sentences to paint a picture in the readers mind.

How does this show my learning: I have completed exercises practising detailed sentences.

I am wondering: How much detail you can put in a sentence before it becomes too complicated.

Don’t use “lazy” words!

Compare these two sentences:

1. The boy went toward the exit. 
2. The cheeky-faced fourteen-year-old boy darted toward the exit. 

The second one has greater impact for one reason: it includes specific detail.

• The writer has chosen to include more information by adding cheeky-faced and fourteen year-old to the sentence. 
• And the use of a specific verb – darted – is a great improvement on the vague term went.

Exact... be exact!

• When you write, say coffee or orange juice rather than drink; spaniel or collie rather than dog; oak or silver birch rather than tree. 
• Taking a little bit more care to come up with the exact term can give your writing that extra sharpness and make it more convincing.

 Part 1. Use detailed adjectives

It is important for you to be able to visualise details as you write, so that someone else can visualise what you saw or imagined. 

• You use a noun when you label, or name, the thing you are describing. 
• But a noun like house doesn't usually bring particular picture into a reader's mind. 
• You need adjectives like wooden, grey-tiled, or neglected-looking if you are going to build a clear picture. 

Take a noun like hamburger. You can have 

• the meatless hamburger 
• the cold, greasy hamburger 
• the sauceless, onionless, tasteless hamburger 

Part 2. Use detailed verbs 

Although adjectives are usually called 'describing words' the kind of word which is often best at describing is the verb. 

• A verb describes an action: what happens, or what someone does. 
• The more detailed you can make your verbs, the better writer you'll be. 

What is the matter with this?

"When we got there we found we could not get in. We got angry and told the doorkeeper to get out of our way."

Here are some verbs used powerfully. Study them

• The waters of the lake lapped against the side of the boat. (Not just "touched")
• At the bend, the runner was jostled out of position by his rival. (Not just "pushed")
• The water gurgled down the plug-hole. (Not just "ran")
• The blood gushed out of the wound. (Not just "flowed")

The verbs you use, too, should not be merely the first to enter your head.

Part 3. Use detailed adverbs

Adverbs are words that go with verbs (add to verbs) to describe how the action of the verb was actually done. 

Take the verb laughed. How was this action done? ...loudly? ...quietly? ...politely? 

These words are adverbs. Adverbs usually go right next to the verb they describe, and they usually end in -ly. 

Let’s do some revision practice

Exercise 1 

From each set of words in brackets choose the one word or phrase which most effectively conveys the heat of the scene being pictured:

Beneath the glaring  (bright / hot / glaring / frowning) sun the land was brown. blades(Leaves / Wisps /  Blades / Pieces) of grass, shrivelled (shrunk / dried / shortened / shrivelled) by the fierce(fierce / hot / direct / shining) rays, clung to the crumbling, scorched soil. Even to move was an effort. The slightest motion was enough to cause a sweat, but even perspiration was seared (burned / taken / forced / seared) away almost instantly (straight away / directly / instantly) by the merciless(great / merciless / strong / intense) heat.

Exercise 2 

Some words have been left out in the following sentences. From each group in brackets, choose the word or phrase that most effectively suggests the idea of noise.

1 Thunder boomed (rang, banged, boomed) off the mountains. The howling (yelping, howling, weeping) of the wind as it flew(blasted, flew, zoomed) through the narrow valleys was almost drowned out by the drumming (beating, drumming, tapping) of huge raindrops on the rocky ground.

2 The tinkle (clunk, click, clatter, tinkle) of broken glass woke him. He listened intently and heard the slight creak (creak, grating, screech) of a hinge as a door slowly opened. There was the faintest tapping (tapping, scrape, crunch) of a shoe on the wooden floor of the hall.

3. She was startled at first by the harsh squawk(cry, squawk, yelp) of a sea gull. The distant rumble (murmur, rumble, clatter) of the sea and the sigh (moan, howl, sigh) of the gentle breeze through the palms lulled her.

Exercise 3 

From each set of words in brackets choose the one word or phrase which most effectively conveys the scene being pictured:

Bright lights radiated(radiated/glowed/twinkled/flashed) mirthfully(merrily / mirthfully / laughingly / amusingly) through the evening darkness. The steady glow (brightness / glow / flickering) of the larger lights was reinforced by the sparkle of an array of grinning (happy / grinning / cheerful) smaller ones chasing(going after / chasing / running behind) each other in a lively, never-ending race. The hum (roar / bellow / hum / whir) of conversation, the clink (clink / crack / clank / clunk) of glasses, and the aroma (stench / odour / whiff / aroma) of steaming food all drifted (rode / drifted / blew / clattered) enticingly across the still night air.